It's not really December is it?

For a lot of reasons the fact that it is December just blows my mind! I can't find my camera. I have been meaning to post these pictures anyway. Halloween was fun, carving pumpkins was surprisingly enjoyable as well. I actually made a pie from a garden pumpkin and roasted some pumpkin seeds this year which is new! I was quite, vocally proud of myself for attempting such a feet. :)


When I actually look at my children's faces and think of how lucky I am to be there mother, I am happy to be here. Right here.

Counting my blessings is a really, really good medicine these days.

With tears in my eyes that come easily right now, I really do feel blessed.

Interesting thing that Lily was due on December 25th. Everyone said (well, mostly everyone) that this time of year would be hard for me. October and November came and I felt blessed, happy and like life was going well. Then December came and I started crying for it seemed was no reason. Then I realized, "oh, duh, it's December". I pretty much haven't stopped crying since. I am not trying to, it's just that I have realized I am repeating August. This time I feel like I know how to handle it better though. I do feel weak and it is hard to muster the strength sometimes to do what I need to do. But at least this time I know what to do.

I am really enjoying this time of year too because of all the focus on the Savior. I feel the Spirit so strong whenever we talk about Him in Primary. We are so very blessed to know of His life and teachings and what they mean for us here and in the hereafter.

I was not planning on posting anything today. I think I just needed to write.

I know my Heavenly Father knows exactly where I am and exactly what I need. What a wonderful feeling that is!

I'll work on finding that camera of mine so it can start looking like Christmas on this here blog. :)

Family Pictures

My sweet friend Brianna took our pictures a few weeks ago and I LOVE them! It was kind of last minute. I talked to her Monday and we had them taken Wednesday. Picking the wardrobe is a little intense when you don't have time to go to the store before! I am so happy with how they turned out though!

I had these taken because I wanted some with the Lily bear in them. I also was starting to feel "well". I still have my ups and downs and some days lately are worse than others. I realize why the ups and why the downs which is half the battle.-the other half is doing something about it.

I was feeling well because I had done a pretty good job of filling my bucket spiritually speaking. I spent a whole day at the Temple, I started reading in every book of scripture about the Savior and His teachings, Zach gave me a day at home and I did whatever I wanted when I wanted to. (made Fall decor, went for a walk, took maternity clothes out of my closet, read, wrote in my journal). All these things and many more really helped me to feel like I had light in my eyes again.

I have low days now because I don't pay enough attention to the things I need to do to feel the Spirit. I am glad I recognize it and know what things make me feel better. Now I just have the same challenge and that is finding the time to do all those things. :)
The other thing that has helped probably more than I realize is the love of family and friends. We have felt the prayers and have benefited greatly from thoughtfulness in so many degrees. I have honestly felt so many times that the Lord was aware of me and loved me through my family and friends. SUCH a humbling experience.

I am realizing lately how much I need revelation. I don't know (this is me being really honest) how to decide when to get pregnant again. The thought brings incredibly bitter and incredibly sweet feelings. I love babies and I love growing my family. I am also scared and still healing. (emotionally and physically) I just turned thirty and I'm not getting any younger. I also feel like we have another little Spirit waiting to join us here. Yeah, I need revelation and to have it spelled out for me! :) Wouldn't that be nice?
Things right now are a good-hard. The good comes from the hope the Gospel brings. I am holding on.

I also look around and hear of the struggles that other people are facing and think, "I'll keep the challenges I've got". Life is good. I am glad to have this time to learn and grow and also enjoy.

Today Josh said to Ben, "come here closer so I can punch you." I just love listening to them they are so fun!

I have so much to be grateful for! So much. To name a few: Zach, our kids, my family, my mom, my dad, my sisters, my brothers, their friendship, many, many good friends, good health, the gospel, the scriptures. These are blessings and nothing short. I don't deserve them. These and many more are tender mercies.

random

I wanted to document. :) Josh is a little ham. I haven't been nearly as good at documenting him as I would have liked.

We had been doing a lot of driving and Josh whose 2 1/2 was pretty done. Several times he said:

Josh: "I'm gonna throw up! Get me out of here!"

on our bathroom mirror Ben (6) wrote

"mom you are the best. you'll get the hang of chess" :)

Josh: "mom, I got a scratch (holding up his shirt).

Me: "how did you get a scratch?

Josh: "a shark scratched me."

Me: "where was the shark?"

Josh: "in the water"

Me: "what water?"

Josh: "the ghost water."

I have ZERO idea where that came from!

on our way home from Grandma and Grandpa's late one night Josh should have totally zonked but he didn't and kept asking:

"mom, where's my bed?" in a totally tired sweet voice. It was adorable.

Sarah got into my mom's makeup when we were there the other day. She put mascara on her eyelids and blush all over her face. She looked pretty cute.

She kept asking everyone if she was cute in a flirty way.

In this last week the kids have all had the croup. The totally share the things I don't want them to! It's sad to see them sick but it is nice too. Nice because they let me hold them and I feel like they need me.

I wonder sometimes if it is like that for Heavenly Father. If He sort of likes it when I'm having a hard time because I come to Him more, I need Him. Just a thought. :)

Being a mom is good. Life has thrown our little family a lot of curve balls lately. We are learning how to get through together and not apart. Some days it is easier than others. :)

Never in all my life have I felt so much love. I know my Heavenly Father knows where I am and what I need. That is a wonderful feeling.

sayings...

I used to save these from the side bar and put them in word. Instead I am going to put them on here. The end.

******

I was laying on the couch the other day and Josh walked over and rubbed my back a little and said, "mom, ya dead?". Ben and Sarah came around the corner and Josh said, "Hey, mom's dead".

******

While sitting on our pew in sacrament meeting, Josh was playing with some monkeys that link together and singing, "I've got a dream, I've got a dream..." Then turned around and told the people behind us "look at the monkeys! it's on top!" I'm pretty sure a good several rows heard his bit of entertainment.

*******

The other morning before I got the kids out of bed were sitting in there talking. Sarah started climbing up to the top bunk to visit Ben.

J: "Sarah, don't climb on Ben's bed, it's super hot!"

*******

At FHE I asked the kids what kinds of things the Prophet has asked us to do.

Sarah replied: "say our prayers, make our beds, get dressed, take Ben to school, eat treats, go to sleep!" -all in one breath and complete excitement!

*******

Ben was drawing a picture of him playing soccer and drew some fireworks for when he scores a goal!

A Giant

Looking through pictures of Zach makes me teary. I'm not his mother but I benefit from what she taught him.

He is the best man I've ever known. I look at these pictures...especially the ones of him with our kids and think, "he's a giant of a man".

He is so good and so kind. I wished that I could have been more of myself for his birthday.

We did spend a lot of quality time together that day but it was meeting with doctors and seeing the ultrasound of Lily-confirming that she had passed away. I was so heartbroken and devastated that I didn't have much to give. He was so sweet and we made the best of it.

Zach has taught me so much about patience, optomism, forgiveness and love. He has also taught our kids much of the same and more through his example. (he is the reason they gather flowers for me when we are hiking-because that is what he does)

I am so, so grateful for Zach. I love laughing, talking-well, doing anything with him. He is my best friend.

He is now officially in his thirties. I just can't imagine. That is forever away for me. I'm just a young buck. :)

I love you Zach. You've been such a strength to me. You'll just never know.-you'll have to take my word for it. :)

Happy 31st Birthday!

The Birthday Girl!

These pictures are so out of order. Sarah turned FOUR! She's growing up so fast and at the same time it feels like she's been a big girl forever.

(the day we couldn't find Lily's heart beat was Sarah's birthday it is a miracle we even did the party.)

All the kids were so excited about the gifts that they did all the loading themselves. We sat and watched as they carried everything to the car, popped the trunk and all. Hilarious to watch.



Per Sarah's request we went to the park, had a picnic with sandwiches and broccoli. We played and danced. I loved her adorable requests.

We all decorated cupcakes together. Sarah wanted pink cupcakes with strawberries on top. While decorating there were grapes on the counter so they were added for variety at the request of the birthday girl.

We are in love with Sarah. There are many things about years past that I miss about her. She has grown up so fast. I do love watching her grow. I love her sassy dance moves and her determination in all she does. I love watching her little mothering, her independence, hearing her laugh and seeing her genuine smile.

Since she turned four she has been so matter of fact and much more animated. She's so fun. She is so Sarah and I do really love that about her.

It will come of no surprise to all that know her that she decided to start year four with a bang...and a hole in her chin. Luckily for all at the party she took a nap that day or there would have been hysterics. :)

Much love to this Birthday Girl! I love and so much enjoy getting to know you. It is a privilege being your mom!

Lily Rebecca

After 31 hours of labor, Tuesday August 16th, 2011 Lily Rebecca was born. She was 9 inches and weighed 9.9 ounces. She was a tiny little thing! We loved her little hands and feet!The hospital was very good to us. They had a group called SHARE come and dress Lily and take these beautiful pictures of her. They sent us home with a scrapbook page with her hand and foot prints -which I need to take a picture of and post. They are so sweet. They sent us home with every memento possible. Which I REALLY appreciate.
They let us have as much time with her as we wanted. This time alone with her was really good for me. Zach even left me alone for a bit with just me and her. I needed that.
Deuteronomy 32:4 "He is the Rock, His work is perfect" God does not make mistakes. She needed a body. She needed to come here only for a short time and she CHANGED my life! Heavenly Father is so loving and merciful to give us all the opportunity to have influence-no matter how long or short we live. I will never be the same. I don't want to be the same.
These times are sweet and these times are hard. There seems to be so much going through my mind and heart at one time that I don't really know what to do. It is my prayer that I will have the faith to rely on a Loving Heavenly Father and learn what He would have me learn. I really do pray that I can do this. It is hard when you miss someone so much.

Becca

a little Angel in Heaven

Starting to type this is not easy. I don't know what to say. It just stinks that I just posted the happy news too.

Here goes...

I had a check up with my midwife on Wednesday -one day shy of 21 weeks, and we couldn't find a heart beat. We had an ultrasound the next day and we confirmed that our sweet baby had passed away. She had a growth on the back of her neck called a cystic hygroma. The doctor is pretty sure she had Turner's syndrome. She'll do some tests on the placenta and then we'll know for sure.

I will deliver her tomorrow.

We were so excited for this baby. This is a shock to say the least. We are glad for the time we've had to celebrate the addition to our family and to be excited for her arrival. It hurts our hearts to think of waiting so long to know her. 10 months has always seemed so long to meet a baby but a lifetime is definitely longer.

It has broken our hearts. All the emotions are more than I am used to. I'm not sure how to handle it or how to help Zach and the kids.

It has just been hard.

We have had so much support from family and friends and it means more than I ever knew it could.

My house probably smells the best it ever has because of all the flowers. :)

I'm writing this as much for me as it is for you. There are too many people who care about us to call them all. Plus, I don't really feel much like talking. :) It is weird to go from angry to sad, to feeling such love in such short periods of time.

I do know the Lord has a plan for me and for our little girl. I feel blessed to have a little Angel in Heaven watching over us. I hope she knows how I long for her and ache to hold her and know her. I hope she knows. Eternity is real and I'm grateful for Jesus Christ who understands what I'm going through and who has made it possible for me and my family to progress together in this life and in the next. So grateful. Oh to live to be worthy of such blessings.

These pictures were taken by Ben at 17 weeks I think. -don't mind the dirty shorts. :) I didn't post these before but I still wanted to. Thanks for reading and for caring.

first comes love,

then comes marriage. Then comes 4 babies in a baby carriage!

Yep we are expecting baby number four! We are super excited! Due in December on Christmas day!

Feeling much better lately. I still have be on my guard of things that make me vomit. (like typing the word) But yeah, much better!

The kids are super thrilled. Ben said "oh yeah! I've been wanting another baby forever!" It has been fun to hear the things they say about when the baby comes. I am going to have three very helpful children I have a feeling. :)

When Daddy comes home...

This is just one example of why Zach is the greatest dad in the world! We are ALL so glad when daddy comes home! :)

Oh, I found this video when watching videos with the kids. This is when Ben was two. :)

"Tend that for me."

Mother's day thoughts from a poem from President Monson's biography.

"Father, where shall I work today?"

And my love flowed warm and free.

Then He pointed out a tiny spot

And said, "Tend that for me."

I answered quickly, "Oh no, not that!

Why no one would ever see,

No matter how well my work was done.

Not that little place for me."

And the word He spoke, it was not stern;

He answered me tenderly:

"Ah, little one, search that heart of thine:

Art thou working for them or for me?

Nazareth was a little place,

And so was Galilee."

This makes me teary and puts things into perspective. Happy Mother's day!

I want to bottle them up!

I took these first two pictures yesterday and fell in love with my kids again. I love their randomness! I thought, "I want to bottle them up and preserve them just as they are!"

Currently Josh is so proud he can get undressed. I wasn't fast enough with this picture. Just before this he was standing facing the fridge with his pants at his ankles. :)
Sarah is as sneaky as a cat! She wakes up quite often in the night and we (using our CSI skills) attempt to figure out how long she was up by how brown the apples are or how warm the string cheese is. Most the time she puts herself back to bed. Every once in a while we find her in the hall way or some other random place.
Under this table at the end of the hall is a new favorite location for sneaking food she isn't sure if she should be eating.
Josh and Sarah both like to "help do the dishes". They both usually end up soaked. This time Sarah got creative. It was funny to turn around and see her sticking her head in the bowl. She really is random. :)
In this stash of pictures I only had this one of Ben. I thought it was funny he was so relaxed in his efforts of putting on chap stick. He usually is pretty chill when he's home. We miss him when he's gone. He is a big helper with Josh and Sarah and often helps me figure out little problems.
The most recent one being why our house smells like skunk sometimes. "Mom, I know why our house smells like skunk sometimes. It's because of Josh and his poopy diapers." :) I don't know what I'd do without him! :)

Josh - 2 Yrs Old

This little man had a fun Birthday! We love Josh and are enjoying this fun stage he's in. I absolutely can not believe that he is two! Nope, I can't. Time just flies.

I was taking pictures of him and then said, "I love you Josh". While shoving his cupcake in his mouth he said, "I love you too, mommy". That is when I switched to take the video. He didn't repeat that for me, but I still loved the video. :)

Who knew?

Apparently everyone knew that time would fly by. I was told over and over again. "They will grow up before you know it". Here we are, celebrating Ben's 6th Birthday! Now I can be one of those people that say it. Time really does fly!

We had a great day. I asked Ben what his favorite thing was and he said it was bowling. We haven't been in a long time and we all had a fabulous time!

After bowling at Fat Cats, we went to the Ogden Pizzeria and had some delish food. We love that place!

I am just now posting this because I was almost just as wiped out as I was the day I gave birth! I took a nap after the kids were in bed and then cleaned up the beautiful mess I made in the kitchen!
Yeah, would you believe this little dude ordered a three layer chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and strawberries on it? First attempt here. It was a noble effort if nothing else. :)
Mr. Ben here has been waiting for his birthday since Christmas. I had told him his birthday was after Christmas, so he was expecting it the day after. It has been a long three months!

He is SO excited to be six!

Today at his school they did a "celebration of life" thing where I brought pictures of him at each year and talked about things he did during each of those years.

Needless to say by the end, I was teary. He has brought more joy to my life than I would have ever thought possible. Thinking about all the things he has learned and all the ways he has developed. I am amazed.

I am so proud of Ben. He really is a special boy. The way he looks out for people, the way he so easily accepts spiritual things. The sincere love he gives to others.
Since the beginning of time he has loved his dad. He still likes to say goodbye to him whenever he leaves. He is still excited when he comes home. He loves to do everything his dad loves. They went ice fishing a couple weeks ago and got some red faces. Luckily he had a band aid on his forehead so everyone at church the next day would know how white he was before. :)

He loves to play basketball, football/basketball (where you use a football and tackle and shoot it in the hoop), soccer, play Lego's, army guys. He loves to read and listen to Magic Tree House books on the iPod. He has really progressed in reading. It has been very fun for all of us.

He has really enjoyed the Nintendo we got for Christmas. Pretty much whenever he has a day off of school when I ask what he would like to do that day is says "play Nintendo!" If there were no time limits, he would not complain!

He is a great big brother. Sarah and Josh love his attention. We miss him a lot when he is at school. Ben is so excited that next year he can stay all day at school like the big kids do. I have to say, there are few things that make me so sad. I will miss him very much.

We love his laugh, smile, helpful attitude and honestly his presence. He is a joy to have around.

I love you Ben! happy 6th Birthday!

shout hooray!

Happy Birthday Elder Matthew Moyes Sr.! He is 22! I can't believe he has been gone so long!

Reading HERE the other day and felt so proud of my brothers! I am so grateful Matt has been

able to serve in Albania. He loves it there. He loves the people and they love him. He will be home in October and although I am so excited I can almost not even stand it, I am so glad he is on a mission!

I absolutely love Monday's! I love hearing from him and feeling of his love of the gospel and the people he is serving. His growth is easily recognizable and I am so proud of him!

What a blessing his service has been to our family!

Happy Birthday Matt! I love you like never before! :)