a little Angel in Heaven

Starting to type this is not easy. I don't know what to say. It just stinks that I just posted the happy news too.

Here goes...

I had a check up with my midwife on Wednesday -one day shy of 21 weeks, and we couldn't find a heart beat. We had an ultrasound the next day and we confirmed that our sweet baby had passed away. She had a growth on the back of her neck called a cystic hygroma. The doctor is pretty sure she had Turner's syndrome. She'll do some tests on the placenta and then we'll know for sure.

I will deliver her tomorrow.

We were so excited for this baby. This is a shock to say the least. We are glad for the time we've had to celebrate the addition to our family and to be excited for her arrival. It hurts our hearts to think of waiting so long to know her. 10 months has always seemed so long to meet a baby but a lifetime is definitely longer.

It has broken our hearts. All the emotions are more than I am used to. I'm not sure how to handle it or how to help Zach and the kids.

It has just been hard.

We have had so much support from family and friends and it means more than I ever knew it could.

My house probably smells the best it ever has because of all the flowers. :)

I'm writing this as much for me as it is for you. There are too many people who care about us to call them all. Plus, I don't really feel much like talking. :) It is weird to go from angry to sad, to feeling such love in such short periods of time.

I do know the Lord has a plan for me and for our little girl. I feel blessed to have a little Angel in Heaven watching over us. I hope she knows how I long for her and ache to hold her and know her. I hope she knows. Eternity is real and I'm grateful for Jesus Christ who understands what I'm going through and who has made it possible for me and my family to progress together in this life and in the next. So grateful. Oh to live to be worthy of such blessings.

These pictures were taken by Ben at 17 weeks I think. -don't mind the dirty shorts. :) I didn't post these before but I still wanted to. Thanks for reading and for caring.

first comes love,

then comes marriage. Then comes 4 babies in a baby carriage!

Yep we are expecting baby number four! We are super excited! Due in December on Christmas day!

Feeling much better lately. I still have be on my guard of things that make me vomit. (like typing the word) But yeah, much better!

The kids are super thrilled. Ben said "oh yeah! I've been wanting another baby forever!" It has been fun to hear the things they say about when the baby comes. I am going to have three very helpful children I have a feeling. :)

I want to bottle them up!

I took these first two pictures yesterday and fell in love with my kids again. I love their randomness! I thought, "I want to bottle them up and preserve them just as they are!"

Currently Josh is so proud he can get undressed. I wasn't fast enough with this picture. Just before this he was standing facing the fridge with his pants at his ankles. :)
Sarah is as sneaky as a cat! She wakes up quite often in the night and we (using our CSI skills) attempt to figure out how long she was up by how brown the apples are or how warm the string cheese is. Most the time she puts herself back to bed. Every once in a while we find her in the hall way or some other random place.
Under this table at the end of the hall is a new favorite location for sneaking food she isn't sure if she should be eating.
Josh and Sarah both like to "help do the dishes". They both usually end up soaked. This time Sarah got creative. It was funny to turn around and see her sticking her head in the bowl. She really is random. :)
In this stash of pictures I only had this one of Ben. I thought it was funny he was so relaxed in his efforts of putting on chap stick. He usually is pretty chill when he's home. We miss him when he's gone. He is a big helper with Josh and Sarah and often helps me figure out little problems.
The most recent one being why our house smells like skunk sometimes. "Mom, I know why our house smells like skunk sometimes. It's because of Josh and his poopy diapers." :) I don't know what I'd do without him! :)

Leaf fun!

One of the big differences in this house and our last on is trees.

We have missed the shade. I will say it was nice to have fewer leaves to rake. :)

We may have less leaves but not less fun! Also, fall weather is quite nice here as well!

Last Splash!!

Before Ben went off to school he wanted to hit the splash pad. We hadn't been to the one on Riverdale since they put it in so we went there and had a great time.

The kids had a blast and were super excited that Zach was able to stop in for a bit. We love to see him during the day. It is such a treat! Good times!

We've moved!!!

We did it! We got everything out and our kids too!

Oh my did they love playing in the truck!

This little one had a fever of 102 or something at this moment...definitely made the move interesting to have her sick!

I guess Sarah was worried we'd forget her so she decided to pack herself in a box!

Josh was such a good sport! Well, they all were!

I think I am living a dream up here! I absolutely love the house and the valley!