Today marks six months since Lily Rebecca was born. That seems seriously crazy.
Last week I went to see my R.S. President who zones my feet sometimes. She helped me a ton right after I had Lily with the zoning and the visiting while she zoned me. She is so wise and wonderful.
Anyway, while we were visiting she asked how I was doing. I mentioned that six months was coming up. I started to cry a little and asked her "why is it that some people that have gone through pretty much the same thing as me didn't seem to be phased...they had babies pretty much 10 months after they gave birth to their stillborn.
In her wise and sweet way she answered, "just because".
I love that answer. She went on to say that Heavenly Father knew I would take it hard but that I would grow from it and to have faith in the Lord and my ability to heal.
I was happy with that answer because I had been comparing myself and really wondering what the heck my problem was. I have had a really hard time. Such lows I have never known. But on the flip side, I have never known such highs.
The other day at the Leadership training I so much enjoyed feeling the Spirit without interruption. (which is how it goes around here most of the time)
After almost the whole meeting was over I felt the Spirit so strongly and this is what I wrote:
"Keep seeking Becca! Live what you learn. Spend more time on your knees & in the scriptures. Let living the gospel lift you. You can heal, you will have the strength you need & you will grow & be better for it. Look to Jesus, feel His love & follow His example."
I am so grateful for the hope and motivation I receive from the Spirit. It honestly means the world to me.
I don't know why I have struggled so. But I have. I am grateful for the things I've learned. I am grateful for the insight into suffering and into the need for us all to be kinder to each other. We just never know what is going on in the heart of another. It isn't our job to know, but it is our responsibility to do as the Savior would and that is to love.
I still ache for our sweet little Lily and for another sweet little baby of my own to hold. The ache grows deeper each day. I don't know when that will happen. I will be overcome with joy when it does. It is hard to put that feeling into words.
There have been times when I have questioned if Lily really was my little Angel in Heaven. If she really was there and if I was really going to have the opportunity to raise her. At one time when the question was on my mind a lot I was singing while getting ready for the day. I was singing the Hymn "Come unto Jesus". As I sang the line, "oh know you not that Angels are near you?". I felt the presence of my Grandma Moyes. I knew she was there and she was, in essence scolding me. I just knew that she was waving her index finger and saying, "Becca, we are here. We are. Now you stop that." I caught my breath as soon as I sang those words and I knew they really were there.
Since that experience I have had similar thoughts of, "is she really mine?", and then I remember that experience and I know she is...and she is in good company. How overwhelmingly grateful I am to know that.
I love you Lily.
