Six months.

Today marks six months since Lily Rebecca was born. That seems seriously crazy.

Last week I went to see my R.S. President who zones my feet sometimes. She helped me a ton right after I had Lily with the zoning and the visiting while she zoned me. She is so wise and wonderful.

Anyway, while we were visiting she asked how I was doing. I mentioned that six months was coming up. I started to cry a little and asked her "why is it that some people that have gone through pretty much the same thing as me didn't seem to be phased...they had babies pretty much 10 months after they gave birth to their stillborn.
In her wise and sweet way she answered, "just because".
I love that answer. She went on to say that Heavenly Father knew I would take it hard but that I would grow from it and to have faith in the Lord and my ability to heal.

I was happy with that answer because I had been comparing myself and really wondering what the heck my problem was. I have had a really hard time. Such lows I have never known. But on the flip side, I have never known such highs.

The other day at the Leadership training I so much enjoyed feeling the Spirit without interruption. (which is how it goes around here most of the time)
After almost the whole meeting was over I felt the Spirit so strongly and this is what I wrote:
"Keep seeking Becca! Live what you learn. Spend more time on your knees & in the scriptures. Let living the gospel lift you. You can heal, you will have the strength you need & you will grow & be better for it. Look to Jesus, feel His love & follow His example."

I am so grateful for the hope and motivation I receive from the Spirit. It honestly means the world to me.

I don't know why I have struggled so. But I have. I am grateful for the things I've learned. I am grateful for the insight into suffering and into the need for us all to be kinder to each other. We just never know what is going on in the heart of another. It isn't our job to know, but it is our responsibility to do as the Savior would and that is to love.

I still ache for our sweet little Lily and for another sweet little baby of my own to hold. The ache grows deeper each day. I don't know when that will happen. I will be overcome with joy when it does. It is hard to put that feeling into words.

There have been times when I have questioned if Lily really was my little Angel in Heaven. If she really was there and if I was really going to have the opportunity to raise her. At one time when the question was on my mind a lot I was singing while getting ready for the day. I was singing the Hymn "Come unto Jesus". As I sang the line, "oh know you not that Angels are near you?". I felt the presence of my Grandma Moyes. I knew she was there and she was, in essence scolding me. I just knew that she was waving her index finger and saying, "Becca, we are here. We are. Now you stop that." I caught my breath as soon as I sang those words and I knew they really were there.
Since that experience I have had similar thoughts of, "is she really mine?", and then I remember that experience and I know she is...and she is in good company. How overwhelmingly grateful I am to know that.
I love you Lily.

Christmas part 2

I love Christmas Eve! For the last several years we have had our neighbor Sherry over for dinner, a little program and games. I should have taken a picture of the dinner. I really try my very best to make it super nice. I love doing it. Next year I'll take a picture.
For the program the theme was, "Jesus was born". The kids sang songs, had speaking parts and Zach read part of the Christmas story from Luke 2. I should have videoed it. It was so cute! I love having Sherry over. I love the memories we make on Christmas Eve.

Christmas part 1

My blogs lately are being funky. If I insert anything, bold or italicize it, the code comes up. Is anyone else having the same problem? Weird.
December went by way too fast! I am happy to report that I survived. :)...and enjoyed myself quite a bit. That is actually a serious understatement. I felt so blessed, loved and blessed some more.
These pictures document a little of our Christmas happenings. We had a family Christmas party, decorated cookies, went caroling to Grandpa Coons and our cousin Sheralyn, came back and opened white elephants (presents :)). The glasses were a favorite. :) All of us were able to be there. Doesn't really matter what we do, it is nice to be together.

We had a visit from a guy in our ward dressed up as Santa. That was really funny! He said he has been doing it for a couple of years. Came by last year and we weren't home. I just thought that was super cute. The kids loved it!

Decorating ginger bread houses and the tree...which I didn't get pictures of, was really fun. I love seeing the kids use their decorative imaginations. :)

I sang with a community choir called the Chordettes again this year. We have the choir only in the fall just to have a Christmas concert. It is really fun to do! The last picture is of me practicing the songs right before the concert with the kids sitting around me.

I was put in as the 2nd counselor in our ward Primary and I probably shouldn't say this, but I am surprised that I really, really love it! The part that I love the best...aside from the children, is that we talk about Jesus so much. I taught sharing time in December and loved that I got to feel the Spirit every time I taught about Him. There is a sweet Spirit in Primary. I'm grateful to be there.

As you know, December was harder for me than I thought it would be. BUT, I have never in all my life, felt so loved and blessed. It has truly been a wonderful year. I still have pangs about my loss. But there have been many sweet experiences to sooth the hurt. I feel grateful for the blessing of a wonderful husband and family. Life is good. God is good. You are good. :)

It's not really December is it?

For a lot of reasons the fact that it is December just blows my mind! I can't find my camera. I have been meaning to post these pictures anyway. Halloween was fun, carving pumpkins was surprisingly enjoyable as well. I actually made a pie from a garden pumpkin and roasted some pumpkin seeds this year which is new! I was quite, vocally proud of myself for attempting such a feet. :)


When I actually look at my children's faces and think of how lucky I am to be there mother, I am happy to be here. Right here.

Counting my blessings is a really, really good medicine these days.

With tears in my eyes that come easily right now, I really do feel blessed.

Interesting thing that Lily was due on December 25th. Everyone said (well, mostly everyone) that this time of year would be hard for me. October and November came and I felt blessed, happy and like life was going well. Then December came and I started crying for it seemed was no reason. Then I realized, "oh, duh, it's December". I pretty much haven't stopped crying since. I am not trying to, it's just that I have realized I am repeating August. This time I feel like I know how to handle it better though. I do feel weak and it is hard to muster the strength sometimes to do what I need to do. But at least this time I know what to do.

I am really enjoying this time of year too because of all the focus on the Savior. I feel the Spirit so strong whenever we talk about Him in Primary. We are so very blessed to know of His life and teachings and what they mean for us here and in the hereafter.

I was not planning on posting anything today. I think I just needed to write.

I know my Heavenly Father knows exactly where I am and exactly what I need. What a wonderful feeling that is!

I'll work on finding that camera of mine so it can start looking like Christmas on this here blog. :)